LOUD ROCK SHOW MAKES TEEN'S HEAD EXPLODE!
Monday July 18, 2005
By CHAD LOWENBRUCK
(WEEKLY WORLD NEWS) WINTHROP, Ind. -- When Gerry Tillis, 17, attended a show by the band Dirt Weasel at the Civic Sports and Arts Arena, he had no idea it would be his last concert.
"It was completely gross," said Tiffany Bonner, 16, Gerry's girlfriend. "The music was really loud during 'In the Dark Hole' and Gerry looked a little scary. Then during the next song his head suddenly exploded." She added, "And don't say I'm, like, his 'former' girlfriend because even though Jerry's skull fell all apart and he's dead, I'll love him forever. I saved a piece of his -- what did they call it? cranieminem? Something?"
Dirt Weasel is a five-man combo known for its towers of amplifiers -- called "Marshall stacks" in the trade -- and ultra-loud delivery. Band frontman and lead guitarist Jake "Snake Eyes" Ballard said nothing like this had ever happened before at a Dirt Weasel show. "It was in the middle of the solo to 'Sit & Spin,' said Ballard, referring to one of the band's songs. "I went out into center stage like I usually do, to just, you know, blaze away. And this kid in a Goth T-shirt starting having like some sort of seizure. I thought he was just trying to start a mosh pit, right? But that's so retro and our auds are cooler than that."
"He was holding Tiffany's waist," said Gerry's friend Esteban. "We both were 'cause we, like, share her. And I thought he was having like this totally rad time when he blew up real good. The thing is, he wasn't the only one. I heard two other melons pop somewhere in the crowd." In fact, five young heads ceased to exist that night according to the Winthrop Sheriff 's Department. The local D.A. is considering manslaughter charges against the band.
Prof. Calvin Mittridge from Indiana Polytechnic Junior College theorizes that the explosions had something to do with loud noise interacting with a specific electrical frequency in Gerry Tillis' brain. "The five victims were 'heavily into' a certain wavelength, to use the vernacular," said Prof. Mittridge. "The music was on the same wavelength and amped the teens up. The result was like having your head in a microwave oven." Local religious groups had picketed the concert, claiming Dirt Weasel was the music of the Devil. They view this as a vindication of their beliefs.
"I see that no churchgoers got hurt," said Beth Norman, a local deaconess. "Only sinners would go to a thing like that, and as you can see several of them were made to reap the whirlwind." "Man, dumb lady don't know diddle," said Esteban. " 'Reap the Whirlwind' -- that's an Angel Corpse song. Anyway, we weren't singing like she said. How could we . . . we didn't even know any of the song's lyrics." Dirt Weasel has no plans to cancel any of its upcoming shows, though they may turn down the volume just a tad. "We're as concerned about the structural integrity of the arenas as we are about individual brain pans," said promoter Kris Robbie.
Tiffany Bonner said she'll attend another show by the band. "Like, just as a tribute to Gerry. And if my head explodes at least I'll be with him. I mean, death is tragic and everything, but life goes on."
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